I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
