There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
