John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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