guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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