I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
