My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
