I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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