thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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