Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
