Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
