You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
