i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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