Only a mothe r could love this liver
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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