this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
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That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
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People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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