Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
