I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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