im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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