I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
birth control should be required to get into college
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
last night I used snow as a chaser
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
