omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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