did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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