How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Less talking, more tequila
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
