Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
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Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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