woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
