I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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