I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
