theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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