Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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