Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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