Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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