EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
