the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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