Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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