I showed him my bush... on skype.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
