Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
