In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
