Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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