Tell her she can't have a vagina
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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