All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
