god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
