saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
