I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I believe in your delicious
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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