my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
