My nipple is on Facebook.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
