my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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