I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
