I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
