Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
