First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
