just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
