I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
