its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
