i would punch a child for taco bell
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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