I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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