I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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