I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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