The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
